Decepticon Politics
Whilst watching Transformers cartoons with my son, my mind tends to wander. Last week it occurred to me that the entire New Labour political movement was perhaps based upon the evil segment of this robot population, otherwise known as the Decepticons.
Please note, we are talking Generation One Transformers here, not the shiny new rubbish that populate the recent Hollywood film offerings starring the strangely endearing Shia Leboef along with that conventionally attractive, yet strangely asexual, Fox woman.
I’d propose for the third instalment of these films, they revert to the true original Decepticon characters, together with my suggested cast below:
MEGATRON
Played by: Tony Blair
Disguise: Hand Gun
Resume: Leader of the Decepticons. A megalomaniac, with deep religious devotion to his home planet of Cybertron. Constantly struggling with internal Decepticon rivalries to maintain his position of authority. Willing to invade earth for his own cybertronic beliefs, irrespective of damage to human life. A warmonger.
SOUNDWAVE
Played by: Gordon Brown
Disguise: Cassette Player
Resume: Officially second in command of the Decepticons. Highly analytical, but totally bereft of communication skills. Mistrusted by most other Decepticons except the casseticons sub species (see Rumble and Ravage). A key player, but a divisive force within the Decepticon ranks. Would readily crush Reflector and Starscream if he could get away with it.
REFLECTOR
Played by: Peter Mandelson
Disguise: Camera
Resume: The all-seeing eye. Trusted advisor to Megatron, and grudgingly respected by Soundwave. Can sniff out Autobot weakness and turn it to
Decepticon advantage. Rarely plays a leading role but always lurking in the background. Quick to cover over potentially disastrous cracks in the Decepticon leadership hierarchy.
STARSCREAM
Played by: David Milliband
Disguise: Jet Fighter
Resume: The most senior of the Seekers, and most vocal. Privately despises Soundwave and his methods, and would like nothing better than to jettison him from the group. Has designs on the Decepticon leadership but is ultimately a coward, and will test the way the wind is blowing before committing to anything.
SKYWARP
Played by: Ed Milliband
Disguise: Jet Fighter
Resume: The quieter sibling Seeker, but more principled than Starscream. More respected by the other Decepticons, particularly Soundwave. Generally seen as a background player, but his ability to teleport means that he is still an important part of the Decepticon machine. An under-rated robot.
RUMBLE
Played by: Ed Balls
Disguise: Cassette tape
Resume: Works exclusively for his cassette player sponsor Soundwave, although adhering to the wider Decepticon cause. Distrustful of Megatron, and resentful of Starscream’s place in the pecking order. Tends to achieve goals via brute force. Possesses limited intelligence.
RAVAGE
Played by: Damien McBride
Disguise: Cassette tape
Resume: Like Rumble is extremely loyal to Soundwave. An information gatherer, a smearer and a spy. In short, a bully and a nasty piece work. Constantly seeking to undermine the likes of Starscream and Skywarp. Desperate to elevate Soundwave’s station within the Decepticon ranks.
I’m sure I had a point to all this, before I got carried away. Ah yes – when I played online tournaments on Thursday, it was only the second or third time this year I have taken to the virtual tournament felt.
I’d forgotten how different it was to live games – the fields are huge, there are some pretty bad players early on, and generally some pretty good players later on. For much of the pre-bubble/post-bubble sections of the tournament, most players seem to have an encyclopaedic knowledge of pre-flop hand ranges and play the hands accordingly, content to bust out as long as the correct play was made.
It’s pretty tough and will take some getting used to again. I think the only solution to this high variance world is to play enough tournaments to see if I can get a decent score on the board (this really should have happened yesterday in the $100 and I’m fairly disappointed I made such a mess of it).
In other news Sir Mike is playing in the £1000 WSOPE event at the moment – no idea if he is still in as they only get a 3k starting stack, but good luck to him!